DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

By: Bro Fola Odufuwa

A.    Pattern of Relationships

1. You and God – this is where you take your bearing. Everything else falls into place only when you have a sound relationship with your maker. That relationship is initiated and sustained by two things, FAITH - Jas 2:23 “And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God”, and OBEDIENCE - Joh 15:14 “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.”

2. You and your husband or wife – Song 5:16 “His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.” Pr 18:22 “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.”

Marriage is the highest of human relationships. The quality of your life is dependent on the quality of the partner you marry. Marriage can make or mar your destiny. No man can be greater than the quality of his wife. If you are excited with a married brother, all the virtues that you are excited about are being supplied by his wife. The corollary is true. A bad brother is effectively a reflection of the kind of woman he has at home. If you are not married, don’t act married with anyone. You’re making yourself cheap and the wounds of such a union can run for a lifetime.

3. You and your family (nuclear then extended) – a good family life is a condition for leadership in the New Testament church.

4. Friends – friendship is an art to be learnt. Pr 18:24 “A man that hath friends must SHEW HIMSELF friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” It is not right to say you do not have any friend. No man is an island. If you don’t have friends, good friends, something is wrong with you.

a.      Close friends (including fiancé) – they are in different varieties. Some are fair-weather friends - Pr 19:4 “Wealth maketh many friends; but the poor is separated from his neighbour.” Pr 19:6 “Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.” The rich tend to be lonely as they often find it difficult to determine between those who are after their money and those who desire genuine friendship.

b.      Casual friends – some friends will be unbelievers but you should not be unequally yoked with them.

5. Acquaintances (including unbelievers)

B.     Pillars of Relationships

Commitment

Pr 27:10 “Thine own friend, and thy father's friend, FORSAKE NOT; neither go into thy brother's house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.”

Care         
1Co 12:25 “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the SAME CARE one for another.”

Communication  
Pr 27:14 “He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.” Listening is More Important than Speaking. Listening is an art. It requires attention and patience. There are three important attributes of effective listening:

·        Be slow to speak: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1: 19). What does this mean?

·        Be eager to learn: “The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things” (Proverbs 15:28). In order to understand what is being said, ask questions like, “Can you please explain what you mean?”, “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” etc. Determine to understand first before you start to interject.

o   The heart of the upright gives thought to his answer; but from the mouth of the evil-doer comes a stream of evil things – BBE (Bible in Basic English) Pr. 15:28

o   Good people think before they answer, but the wicked speak evil without ever thinking – CEV (Contemporary English Version)

·        Be patient to hear all the details: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him” (Proverbs 18:13).Do not rush to judgement. Do not personalize issues.

C.     Principles of Relationships

1.      Love - Pr 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Joh 15:13 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life (empty himself) for his friends.” There are two types of love

c.      Human love or lust – based on feelings, preferences, moods, likes/dislikes, and what the other person does or does not do. Human love always looks for what it can get.

d.      Divine love – based on obedience to the bible, actions and reactions that reflect the nature of God and that glorify Christ. It does not depend on what the other party does or does not do. Divine love always looks for what it can give.

New Testament was written in Greek and that culture categorised love into four types, three of which are in the bible.

a.      Family love (Storge) – demonstrated between family members

b.      Brotherly love (Philia) – demonstrated among true friends

c.      Sexual love (Eros) – reserved only for marriage, the most intimate of human relationships

d.      Unconditional love (Agape) – practised to all

Let’s close our discussion by taking an example of friendship from Mark 2:2-12.

This unnamed paralyzed man strikes us as one who had some positive traits, chief of which is the fact that he had four good friends. Friends who could show him the way to Jesus. Friends who did not abandon him in his hour of need. Friends who did not run away from his weak and feeble frame. This man had good friends. Friends who could grab and bundle him forcefully into the presence of Jesus. Friends who would not take heaven’s NO for an answer in order to save a friend.

Look at what they did for him. Look at the obstacles they faced when they took their friend to meet the Lord. You could see that there was “no room to receive them, no, not so much as about the door” (v. 2). Yet they did not turn back. There was no space for them to stand yet they did not walk away. There was no breathing space for them yet they were not moved.

Secondly, “they could not come nigh unto him (Jesus) for the press” (v.4). 

The crowd hindered and blocked them from approaching the Lord yet they were not deterred. The crowd of advisers, the crowd of onlookers, the crowd of praise-singers prevented them from access to the Master, yet they did not turn back. They moved forward and “uncovered the roof where he (Jesus) was”(v.4). They even had physical obstacles to deal with while the crucial message was going on, as “he (Jesus) preached the word unto them” (v.2). 

They were physical barriers that had to be surmounted before they could obtain anything from the Lord.

These friends had faith that “Jesus saw”(v.5). They had visible faith, unshakeable confidence in the Lord’s ability to bail their friend out of the debilitating condition he had found himself. Finally, these were friends who did not work for SELF. They never thought of what was in it for them.

They had no thought of what they could materially or financially benefit from helping a friend. There was nothing for self to gain. There were no motivations inspired by what self could appropriate to itself. There was transparent selflessness, true Christian love at work.

What great friends this man had! Friends that would go to any length, sacrificing time, sacrificing money, spending (or doing away with) self, all to get their friend an encounter with the Lord. Friends that would dig holes into roofs in order to grant their friend access to the throne of divine grace.

Brother, do you have good friends? Do you have friends who carry you to Jesus? Do you have friends who would not allow you to be crowded out by strangers to the life of God? Or are your friends promoters of iniquity? Are they harbingers of sin and conveyors of immorality and malice? Are they sponsors of corruption? What kind of company do you keep? What kind of friends do you have?

Are they fair-weather friends? Or you don’t even have any friend at all? What kind of companions do you have? Who are your best friends? Who do you confide in? Are they people who can bring you into the presence of the Lord, whether you like it or not? Maybe I should even ask, what kind of friend are you? Are you following the bible in relating to people around you or do you just do things anyhow not minding who gets hurt?

If a man would recover from paralysis, he needs friends divinely introduced by God to carry him into the presence of Jesus. 

You do not need a friend who is not cumulatively adding to your experience of Jesus. Do not keep bad friends. Do not join yourself with swine. “Don't be fooled, ``Bad friends will spoil good habits.''” (1 Corinthians 15:33. Simple English).

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